First and Last
by JustTheSlashMaam
Summary: Edward is lost and numb as he thinks back to his life with Japer and making the biggest mistake of his life by walking away from the best thing that ever happened to him. can he find his way back to his love and will Jasper forgive him if he does?
1. Prologue

**This is my first fanfic. Look forward to your reviews and comments. I have a few chapters written, I'm not sure how often I'll update this, it depends on the interest it receives. This is probably going to be several chapters long. **

**This story contains Boy on Boy action so if that's not your thing, I suggest you look for entertainment elsewhere. **

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all the Twilight characters. I am just putting my twist on them. **

I stared at the wall next to my bed as the nameless stranger pounded into me from behind. I felt the sting as he thrust roughly in and out but otherwise, I didn't feel much. Why did I think this one would be any different?

"ugh, yeah baby, you have such a tight ass" he grunted as he sped up his movements. "does that feel good?" "you like my cock in your ass?"

I rolled my eyes at his enthusiasm. Was he that dense? Couldn't he tell I was a hundred miles away?

"Yeah, it feels good" I said unconvincingly. He slapped my ass, completely oblivious to my unexcited reaction. He reached around to my cock and his movement stuttered a bit. He must have just noticed I was only half hard.

"what's the matter?" he said, breathing hard. "why aren't you hard?, should I stop?"

I was surprised that he even cared, I needed him to just finish so he could leave and I could get back to being alone.

"No, it's not you, just not feeling that great tonight. Please keep going… just finish please"

Apparently that was all the convincing he needed. "Fuck" He started thrusting faster, jerking my dick at the same speed, trying to get me up and make me cum. It was sweet really that he wanted me to finish, but that's not what I wanted. I didn't deserve the pleasure of an orgasm. I deserved to go unsatisfied.

But he wasn't going to let me off that easily. "Come on babe, cum for me, cum for me before I cum in your ass" his thrusts were getting shorter, his rhythm was faltering. He was close. I needed to cum, he wasn't going to leave me alone until I did.

I closed my eyes and thought about the last person who actually made me rock hard. The last and only man that made me cum without even touching my dick. I imagined it was him behind me, his dick inside me, and not this person, who's name I couldn't even remember. I could feel myself getting hard. Ugh, I really shouldn't do this to myself; I am going to regret this later.

But I was too far gone at this point. I could feel the burn in my lower belly, telling me there was no going back. I pictured _him_ with his hands on my hips, thrusting wildly, stroking my cock and telling me to cum for him. I remembered what it felt like to have him inside me, making me feel whole…and with a grunt, I unloaded on my sheets and the strangers hand. It was a release, but I didn't feel anything but numb.

"Oh yeah, that's it, that's it, cum for me, Ugh, fuck yeah" I could feel him filling the condom inside me, finally ending this charade. He fell on my back, breathing heavily. I pushed him off and he rolled onto his back beside me.

"Look, thanks but um…can you please leave?" I said without even looking at him. I knew it was harsh, not even allowing him to get his breathing steady before kicking him out, but I didn't care.

"Um, yeah, sure, thanks for the fuck" he sounded annoyed but what did he really expect? It's not as if we went into this encounter thinking it would be anything more than a quick fuck, a need for release.

I rolled onto my side and pulled the covers up under my chin. I was making it clear that I didn't want to discuss it further.

"see ya around I guess…Uh… maybe we can hang out again sometime?" he sounded hopeful. "I don't think so man, this was a one-time thing" They were all one time things. I hadn't fucked anyone more than once since…_I don't even want to think about him anymore_.

Taking the hint, he turned and walked out of my room without another word. I heard the front door click shut and let out a breath of relief. I was finally alone, not that I felt anything but alone lately.

Why did I keep doing this? Why didn't I just go running back and crawl on my hands and knees, begging him to take me back? Begging him to forgive me and let me prove that I'm worthy of his love again.

_Because I know he doesn't want me back, that's why_. He's moved on, I saw him with my own eyes, laughing and kissing another man. I can't blame him really, I'm the one that wanted space…but I never actually thought he would let me go. A selfish part of me wanted him to beg me to stay.

But he didn't. He let me go without a fight. He let me walk out of his life and didn't event try to change my mind. Did he not want me after all? Was he relieved that I made the first move to put some distance between us after all the years together?

I was too worn out to think about it now. I burrowed my head into my pillow, not caring about the dried cum under my body. I didn't care about much these days. I felt tired in my body and my mind, I was exhausted.

I closed my eyes and despite myself, I thought about the last time I fell asleep in his arms. It was like my head would not let me forget, would not let me stop beating myself up. This was my penance for making the biggest mistake of my life, for walking away from the best thing that ever happened to me.

I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to fall asleep. Eventually I could feel myself drifting off…my last wakeful thought was of his arms around me and his breath on the back of my neck, lulling me to sleep.

I should have known that sleep would not be an escape. My dreams as always were filled with his eyes, his smile, his hands on me, around me. I dreamed of the last time we kissed, the last time he held me tight to him as he made love to me.

I woke up I tears, sweaty and hard but I refused to relieve the pressure in my groin. I closed my eyes again, thinking back to the first time I saw him, the way he made me feel and wondering how I could have ever let it get to this point.


	2. Chapter 1

**Alright folks, here's chapter 1. This is the beginning. Hope you like it, reviews are appreciated. **

**As always, Stephanie Mayer owns Twilight. I own nothing. :) **

I was a sophomore in high school the first time I laid eyes on him. It was a typical day in the middle of the school year; I was just getting situated in my seat in first period Math when he walked into the room.

I looked up to see our teacher talking to him and pointing at the empty desk next to me and I gulped. I didn't know what it was about him, but I had a feeling that nothing would be the same again.

I had always felt a little different than my guy friends. They were obsessed with breasts while I just didn't see the allure. I thought I was a late bloomer, just had not seen anything I liked yet. It wasn't as if I was into guys, I just hadn't had an interest in anyone yet. That was all about to change.

All eyes were on him as he confidently strolled passed them and to the back of the room where my desk was. I took in his appearance. His clothes were effortlessly casual; loose jeans and a short sleeve button up red and white plaid shirt. His dark blond hair came down past his ears, with a slight curl at the ends. His eyes were what really struck me. They were not quite blue, not quite grey but something just between.

I knew I was staring, I couldn't help it, I had never seen anything like him before. He didn't really look special by any means; there was just something about his presence that struck me dumb. I was obviously zoning out because I jumped when Mr. Hall announced that we take our seats. I blushed with embarrassment and sat down quickly.

I noticed he hadn't really looked at me, or anyone else for that matter. He just took his seat and looked straight ahead. Mr. Hall introduced him as Jasper, transferred here from Texas and asked us to make him feel welcomed. He ducked his head and blushed as Mr. Hall singled him out. I guess he was just as shy as I was. _Maybe we could be friends; maybe I could show him around._

I spent the rest of the class trying to come up with ways to talk to him without seeming too eager. I had never had trouble making friends; I was shy but not so bad that I couldn't talk to people. But Jasper…he had an effect on me I couldn't understand. I wanted him to like me.

The bell rang and I turned to him to ask if he needed help getting to his next class. Before I could even open my mouth, he was out of his seat and out the door. I sat there with my mouth open, wondering why he was in such a hurry. _Oh well, maybe tomorrow._

I didn't have any other classes with him, much to my disappointment. I saw him at lunch, sitting at a table with the football players; I guess he was joining the team. That didn't bode well for us becoming friends. I didn't have anything against the jocks but we didn't exactly run with the same crowd. I sighed at my missed opportunity. Oh well, maybe we could just talk in class, we didn't have to be best friends. But I couldn't help feeling like I would not be satisfied with being a simple acquaintance. I wanted to know him.

"Who are you looking at over there?" I looked across the lunch table to Alice, my sister. She was a year younger than me, and we had always been very close. Some people gave me hell for spending my lunch with my little sister but we had a special bond and actually liked eachother.

"Oh, nothing really" I'm sure I wasn't fooling her "Did you see the new guy today?" I asked trying to sound nonchalant, and probably failing miserably. Alice has always been very observant, especially when it came to me, I don't think I could get anything past her.

She wasted no time in answering "Yeah, I saw him in the halls. Apparently he transferred here from Texas because his dad's job moved, he's some kind of government contractor or something. Anyway, he lives over on Mayberry Ave, like a block from our house, isn't that great? Maybe we can all be friends. I think he has a sister going here too but she's a senior so we probably don't stand a chance with her…" She paused to catch her breath. Alice was rambling as she tended to do when she got excited. I guess she thought he was something special too. _At least I wasn't the only one._

"Slow down Alice, jeez" I laughed and bit into my slimy cafeteria pizza. I couldn't help glancing over to his table now and then, but he was always laughing and playing around with Mike and Taylor, the stars of the football team. "Alice, he's already friends with the jocks, I don't think we can compete with them"

She wasn't deterred. When Alice set her sights on something, there was little that could get in her way. "No way Edward, he can have more than one group of friends!, It's not like they_ own_ him or something" she rolled her eyes at me and shoved my arm, laughing.

"Well, I don't know about you but I'm going to try and be his friend. Who knows maybe even more" she winked at me. _Oh great, that's all I need. _

"whatever Alice" I grumbled, and I ignored her for the rest of lunch, keeping my head down in my plate. I didn't see him the rest of the day but he didn't stray far from my thoughts.


	3. Chapter 2

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all characters.**

Chapter 2

The next day at school I was determined to at least introduce myself to the mysterious Jasper Whitlock. I sat waiting in my seat in Math, watching the door for his arrival. Sure enough, he sauntered in casually walking to his seat next to me.

I cleared my throat and started before I lost my nerve "uh..hey, I'm uh, Edward" I felt unnaturally nervous around him, like I just couldn't relax. "how's was your first day yesterday? Hope you didn't have too much trouble finding your way around, I noticed you were hanging out with Mike and Taylor, are you joining the football team?" I made myself shut up, I was rambling; apparently Alice wasn't the only one with that habit. _Must run in the family. _

I finally looked at him and he was looking back at me with an unreadable expression on his face. He looked half amused, half scared. He smirked at me "uh, hey Edward it's nice to meet you, I'm Jasper" he quickly said, holding out his hand in greeting. I looked down at his hand and hesitated a second before taking it in my own and giving it a quick shake. He had a strong grip, I didn't really want to let go. _What was that about? _

"I know who you are Jasper, everyone does. It's a pretty small town and you're a shiny new toy" I chuckled, trying to break the cloud of tension that has somehow surrounded us.

"haha, yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a celebrity around here already. I'm sure it'll die down once I've been here a couple days" he said shaking his head. His blond hair fell out from behind his ears and I couldn't help the sudden urge to put the strand back behind his ears with my hand.

Thankfully I did no such thing, I just laughed and was about to ask him what other classes he took when Mr. Hall began class and we were not able to talk again.

This time when the bell rang, Jasper didn't rush out of his seat. He turned to me and said a quick "seeya later Edward" before walking swiftly out of class._ I guess that was better than nothing. _

I sat with Alice as usual at lunch and she was even more determined to befriend Jasper today. We saw Jasper walk in and before I could stop her, she rushed up to him, trying to intercept him before he sat with the jocks. I looked on in horror as she pointed to our table and waved her arms wildly. I saw in laugh in amusement and start following her over. Oh my God, what are we going to talk about for 40 minutes?!

"Um, hi Edward, your sister Alice invited me to sit with you guys today, hope that's alright" his Texan accent seemed more pronounced than it was this morning and I felt myself blush again. _ I need to get that under control. _

"Of course man, it's a free country" I said casually, sliding my tray over making room for him. I mostly stayed quiet as Alice asked him a million questions about him and his family. He was very polite and replied to her questions answers, not giving away much. I tried to listen but I found myself staring at his lips as he spoke, fascinated with the shape and color and how once in a while his pink tongue would come out and wet his bottom lip. _ Seriously?_

What was wrong with me? I had never paid this much attention to any other guy or girl for that matter. I really had never even considered that I wasn't straight; I just thought I hadn't met the right girl yet. But now, watching Jasper as he smiled at Alice and regaled her with stories or his old ranch where they raised horses, all I could think about was touching his lips with mine._ I think I'm in big trouble. _

This time, it was me who ran as soon as the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. I heard Alice call my name but I didn't look back. I had to get out of there; I couldn't be around him anymore today. Not when all I could think about was how strong his handshake was, or his pink lips when his tongue snaked out to wet them.

I ran into the boy's bathroom, panting hard and locked myself in one of the stalls. I felt sick to my stomach. No, not sick, it felt like butterflies. I remember the feeling from before piano recitals when I was a kid. It was nerves. I was anxious and sweating and I didn't know what to do. _Was I gay? Shouldn't I have known by now?_

What was I going to do now? Jasper would hate me if he knew what I was thinking. I need to get my thoughts and reactions under control around him. Maybe I should stay away from him? But that thought alone made my stomach clench. _I guess that's not an option. What's plan B?_

Maybe if I spent more time around him, the mystery would fade and I would stop feeling this way. Yes, that had to be it, he was the new kid in town. I had grown up with the same kids since kindergarten and he was just something I had never seen before. If I got to know him, he would become just one of the other faces in the crowd and I could move on.

_That settles it. _I would talk to him, be his friend, make an effort and I'm sure, in time, this thing will pass. _Maybe I should try to get a girlfriend_…why did I have a feeling that was going to be harder and I thought?

That night at dinner Alice went on and on to our parents about the new boy in school and how cute he was. I couldn't help but cringe at the thought of my sister liking Jasper. Would he like her? Would they date? _Ugh, no!_ I barely knew the guy but I knew I didn't want him near my sister. I told myself it was my big brother instinct kicking in, protecting her. But I knew better._ Was I jealous? Did I want him? No, I just wanted someone, not him. I must be lonely. _

"Don't you think so Edward?" I was brought out of my musings by Alice's question. I looked up from my plate, "huh?"

"Weren't you listening!? I said I thought it would be cool to invite Jasper over here Friday night to watch movies. He's new in town, it would be nice. Don't you think so?" she looked at me waiting for an answer.

"yeah Edward, it would be nice to have a new friend over" my mom chimed in eagerly. She was always trying to get me to hang out with the guys at school, join a team or club, but I was never interested.

"uh, sure, I guess, whatever" I huffed, annoyed. I could tell Alice knew something was bothering me but she wasn't pushing me to tell her._ She must really be distracted by Jasper. _Great, now I have to be on guard at school and at home if he's going to start coming over regularly_. I need a girlfriend and fast._


	4. Chapter 3

**Alrighy folks another chapter. I know my chapters are not very long, but they are going to get a little longer after this one as things start to pick up. I hope you like it. Reviews are welcome. **

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight**.

Bella Swan was the police chiefs daughter. She had always had a crush on me, and was not really shy about letting me know. I had mostly ignored her while she tried to get my attention since we were 10 years old. We were friends but she wanted more and I was never really sure what I wanted._ It was time to change that. _

The next day at school I decided I would invite her over for movie night and see where things went. To say she was excited was an understatement. She practically shrieked out a "yes" when I asked. She acted like I had asked her to marry me for heaven's sake. I made sure she knew it was a group thing and not a real date.

I hindsight I probably should have invited more people. The way it stood, it was me and Bella, and Alice and Jasper. It was too much like a double date. I had no intention of pushing Alice and Jasper together but it seems I had done just that. _Great, just great. _

The rest of the week passed in similar fashion, except now, Bella sat with Alice, Jasper and I at lunch. Jasper had joined the football team but continued to sit with us._ I guess he really likes Alice. _

Bella hung all over me at school and Alice tried her best to keep Jaspers attention. Though it seemed to me that he was merely being polite, he never really showed too much interest in her. _Maybe she's not his type _I thought as I watched them together. She would touch his arm every now and then and bat her eyelashes at him, but he never really responded in kind. He would smile at her and talk to her regularly but it never really seemed romantic to me._ What do I know about romance? I wonder what he's thinking. _

On Friday Alice was a maniac. She was so hyper and going a mile a minute planning movie night. Our parents had agreed to go out to dinner and a movie, leaving us with the house to ourselves.

Jasper and I had continued our somewhat strained friendship in math class. We didn't really discuss anything beyond the quadratic equation but every now and then I thought I saw him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. _Maybe it's cuz you keep looking at him. Snap out of it! _

"Uh, hey, Edward, I guess I'll be seeing you tonight" he said as he was getting up to leave when the bell rang. "well, I'll see you at lunch too I guess, haha" He seemed nervous for some reason.

"Yeah dude, seeya tonight" I was actually looking forward to it but was acting as if I couldn't care less.

"Alice has been looking forward to it all week" I said and saw him roll his eyes.

"Yeah man, I know, she won't stop talking about it. Is she always like that?" he turned towards me, looking at me with those eyes and for a second I was speechless. I just stared blankly at him until he waved his hands in front of my face.

"Earth to Edward, come in Edward" he laughed and shoved me trying to get me out of my stupor. I finally snapped out of his and laughed along with him. "Sorry man, I just zoned out for a minute there. Yeah, she's always like that, so I guess you better get used to it if you're going to go out with her"

He looked at me, surprised at my statement. "Uh, Edward, I uh, like your sister and all…but the thing is, I…" I cut him off before he could finish. I didn't really want to know. "it's ok man, it's not really my business, just don't hurt her ok?"

He just looked at me like I was crazy. "No man, don't worry about that…I…guess I'll see you at lunch" and he walked out of the classroom._ Did I say something wrong?_

Lunch was awkward. Jasper was uncharacteristically quiet and Alice seemed to pick up on his mood and stayed quiet as well. Bella was all over me as she had been since I asked her to movie night._ I think I made a mistake inviting her tonight; she is really taking this seriously. _We all sat through lunch making awkward conversation until the bell rang, and everyone jumped up to leave.

"See you guys tonight around 6" Alice yelled as Jasper and Bella walked in opposite directions to their classes. "We'll have pizza so come hungry"

"Ok Alice, see you then" Bella yelled back. Jasper just kept walking. _Was he mad at me? I only told him not to hurt my sister. It's not like I yelled at him. WTF!_

I spent the rest of the school day and most of the afternoon trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong with Japer and it was not tense and awkward between us. We would watch movies tonight and that's all.

Bella was coming over a little early to help Alice set up. I hoped she would leave me alone but I knew that was probably too much to ask. _This is going to be a long night. _

At 5:30 Bella showed up as planned to help Alice set up. There really wasn't much to do, but I wasn't in the mood to argue with the girls.

"Hi Edward!" Bella jumped on me as she came into the living room and gave me a hug. I awkwardly hugged her back. "Hey Bella, uh, you look nice"

She looked as if I had given her the best compliment ever. "Thanks Edward, its' a new dress, do you really like it?"

I was just trying to be nice but now I had stepped in it. "Yeah, looks great on you" I smiled at her and she beamed back at me. _Wow, this girl is more into me than I thought. _"Anyway, I think Alice is in the kitchen why don't you go see what she needs help with?"

She bounced away with a smile still on her face. I went back up to my room to wait it out until Jasper showed up. There was too much estrogen in the house.


	5. Chapter 4

**Alright folks, here is chapter 4. it's almost twice as long as my other chapters, I hope you like it. A little bit of action in this one, nothing too good though ;0) **

**Thanks to all the regular reviewers, keepem coming. **

**As per usual, I don't own Twilight.**

I laid down in my bed and closed my eyes for a few minutes before Jasper showed up. I needed to get myself together before he got there. I would act normal around him, I mean, how else would I act, right? _Right. _I must have drifted off because I was suddenly awoken by Alice calling my name up the stairs.

"Edward, come down here, Jasper's here we're ready to start the movie" she shrieked excitedly. _Here we go. _"Be right down Alice"

I stumbled out of bed and washed my face with cold water to wake myself up. I trucked down the stairs and got halfway there before I was struck dumb again. _What is wrong with me? _

Jasper was standing at the end of the couch talking to Bella. He must have just showered because his hair still looked wet. I could see the water droplets wet the collar of yet another button up plaid shirt, this one blue and green. He was wearing worn, loose fitting jeans that had holes in the knees. He looked like he just threw on the first thing he saw and yet he looked…perfect. _What? Perfect. Crap Edward _

He looked up at me and gave me one of his dimpled smiles just as I came back to earth_, hopefully he didn't catch me staring_. He probably already thought I was a weirdo, I didn't need to give him more proof.

"Hey Edward, I just got here" he said, shifting on his feet a bit. "Alice said you must have dozed off, are you tired?" he looked concerned.

"Na man, just resting a bit before the movies. I uh want to make sure I can stay up through them, you know?" I laughed and came down the rest of the steps towards him. I reached to give him a knuckle bump but at the same time he came in for a shoulder hug and it was again, really awkward. I went left, he went right and we bumped heads while trying to right ourselves again.

"ow" he said, rubbing his temple. "Sorry man" I guess I'm still a little out of it" I shrugged. _He wanted to hug me? _ I was confused. Earlier he acted like he couldn't get away from me fast enough and now he's being overly friendly. _What is it with this guy?_

"So, is everyone ready" Alice broke the tension and I was grateful. "Yea Alice, all set, just let me get a drink from the kitchen real quick. Go ahead and start the movie, I'll be right back" I walked out of the living room and into the kitchen quickly.

I was so confused. Why was I so nervous around him? Why did I feel a tingle in my shoulder when we hugged and I didn't feel anything when Bella threw herself at me? _What did it mean?_ I was still standing with my head down staring at the counter when I felt someone in the kitchen with me. I didn't have to look up to know who it was.

"Hey man, are you ok? You've been in here a while" Jasper asked, again looking concerned. I looked up into his grey blue eyes and I didn't know what to say. I just looked at him, I'm sure he thought I was losing it.

"I'm sorry about being weird at lunch today, I uh, was just thinking about some stuff. I didn't want you to think I was mad at you" he said, looking at the ground. I noticed how close we were standing just then and took a step back.

"Don't worry about it dude, I'm sorry about the comment about Alice, I'm sure you won't hurt her. She's just my little sister, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it, and really, you don't have to worry about that. Alice and I, we're just friends. I mean, I think she likes me but I, well… I think I might like someone else." He gave me a sideways glance while looking down at his feet.

_He likes someone else? Who? Maybe one of the cheerleaders? He is a jock after all. I didn't want to find out. _

"Oh, ok dude well just let her down easy I guess. I'm sure she'll be ok, she has little crushes all the time" I quickly grabbed a soda out of the fridge and walked back into the living room before he could say anything else.

Bella and Alice had strategically placed themselves so Jasper and I would have to sit next to them. _Girls are sneaky._ I sunk down into the couch next to Bella and she snuggled into my side immediately.

I tried not to encourage her too much, but this is what I wanted right? A girlfriend, someone to make me less lonely, make me less obsessed with a certain blond currently sitting in the love seat with my little sister curled around him. So, I allowed it, I even put my arm around her for good measure.

We started the movie and I tried to pay attention, but I was slightly distracted. Jasper and Alice would whisper to each other and she would giggle and flutter her lashes at him. It was really disturbing actually.

Bella was snuggled so close to me that I don't think you could fit a piece of paper between us. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea._ I could feel bella's hot breath on my neck and I was uncomfortable and really warm.

She started softly kissing my neck and I stiffened next to her._ Shit! What now?_ I tried shifting away from her a bit but she just shifted closer.

"Edward" she whispered. "I want you to kiss me" _oh!_ I had never kissed anyone before. Hmm, maybe that's the problem? I don't know what I've been missing. _I should go for it._

"Uh, ok, um...now?" I whispered back, looking over to Alice and Jasper to see if they were watching the movie. And apparently they had the same idea as Bella because all I could see was the back of Alice's head as she kissed Jasper. _So much for him liking someone else._ Well, if they can do it, so can I.

I turned back to Bella and she looked at me with her wide brown eyes. They were nice eyes really. They just didn't have the same effect on me as a certain pair of blue grey ones._ Alright, here goes nothing._ I leaned in just as she leaned in and our noses knocked into each other.

"Sorry" we said at the same time and laughed, some of the tension breaking. "Ok, you stay still; I'll come in, ok?" I said and she nodded. She kept her promise and stayed still, waiting for me to make the move. I closed my eyes and leaned into her. "Don't move" I whispered. I was nervous and felt like I might throw up.

I could feel her breath on my lips as I closed the remaining space between us. Her lips felt nice, I guess. They were soft and tasted like cherry Chap Stick. She whimpered a little and pushed back against my lips. She was aggressive after that and pushed me until I was on my back on the couch and she was practically straddling me.

I was not sure what to do with my hands so I put them on her hips and she seemed to like that. She moaned into the kiss. I could tell she was really enjoying this. I think I was too. _Wasn't I?_ It felt nice but I guess I always thought my first kiss would have sparks, some fire. There wasn't any of that. Just wet lips and a tongue that was trying to pry my lips open.

Bella started grinding her hips against me and moaned some more. My dick twitched slightly in my pants from the friction but my brain was telling me this was all kinds of wrong.

I broke the kiss before it went too far, I don't think I could full on make out with Bella. "uh, Bella I think we should slow down. We're not exactly alone here" I pointed over my shoulder to the other couple.

"Edward, its not as if they're not doing the same thing!" she looked over to them which made me turn around and look too. Much to my annoyance, Alice was on top of Jasper, practically mauling him. He was holding her hips, like I had Bella's but it seemed that they had gotten past the closed mouth kisses. They were full on making out. I could head the slurping and it was disgusting.

I could hear Alice moan lightly and I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't in the mood to sit here and watch him make out with my sister!

"Alright guys, maybe we should go back to watching the movie?" they broke apart and Alice looked at me with an annoyed expression on her face. "Really Edward? What's your problem!?"

"I don't have a problem Alice, I just think it's movie night and we're not watching the movie, that's all" I shrugged and glanced over at Jasper. He was looking down at his lap, his face beet red. I guess he was embarrassed at getting caught making out with my sister in front of me. "Edward's right Alice, why don't we just watch the movie, I'll go get some popcorn" he jumped up from the couch and practically ran into the kitchen.

I guess I had effectively ruined the mood for everyone because we watched the rest of the movie in silence. Bella was still snuggled up next to me and Alice to Jasper but there was no more funny business.

I stole some glances at Jasper throughout the night. He seemed to be enthralled in the movie, not ever looking back towards me. _I wonder if I really embarrassed him. _

Bella and Jasper eventually left. Alice walked Jasper out and I kissed Bella goodbye, actually she kissed me. Alice was still mad at me so she slammed her bedroom door in my face when I went to say goodnight to her._ Oh well, she'll get over it, she always does. _

As I laid in my bed that night, I was feeling a little horny, I am a teenage boy after all. I guess having Bella grind on me had gotten to me after all. But as I slid my hands into my PJs and stroked myself I didn't think about Bella's lips on mine, as I should have been.

I started to, but every time I tried imagining her brown eyes and cherry chap stick lips, I would instead think about blond hair, grey blue eyes and a pink tongue wetting plump pink lips. After trying and failing to think about Bella, or any other girl at school, I gave in.

I was to far gone to care at that point. I closed my eyes and thrust up into my fist as I imagined it was him kissing me on that couch instead of Bella. _Ugh, I've never been this hard in my life._

I imagined his weight on top of me, his hips grinding against me, his big hands running through my hair instead of her tiny ones. I was getting close. I thought about his tongue snaking in between my lips to part them, and entering my mouth while he moaned loudly. That was all it took for me to cum all over my hand, biting my arm to keep from yelling out.

As I came down from my high, I had to admit to myself that I had just masturbated to thoughts of Jasper. _A boy_. I don't know how long I can continue pretending that nothing is different about me, that I'm just a late bloomer. I don't think I can deny the fact that he affects me like no one ever has.

I was too tired to think about it much more. Tomorrow I would need to come up with a plan to figure this out. If I think I'm gay, I must like other guys other than Jasper right? It was time for some research.

I drifted off to sleep that night the same way as most nights this week, thinking about grey blue eyes and blond hair.

**Review please. Ed does some "research" in the next chapter. ooooh boy!**


	6. Chapter 5

**Another week, another chapter. Hope you like it. **

**Edwards Research...wonder how it went ;)**

On Saturday morning I woke up and looked over at my clock radio. 9:45 am. Wow, I don't usually sleep in this late, I must have needed the rest. I slowly got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom I share with Alice. She was still in there.

"Alice, come on, I need to use the bathroom" I yelled, banging on the door.

"Hold your horses Edward" she yelled back at me. "I'll be out when I'm done!"

Shit, that could be a while. I decided to just use the downstairs bathroom and have some cereal before getting ready for the day. A day which I had decided would consist of watching porn and seeing who caught my eye, the women or the men. I'd never really had any desire to watch porn before. The guys at school couldn't shut up about it but it never appealed to me. Today was not about getting off though, it was research.

Mom was in the kitchen when I walked in. "Morning sweetie, did you sleep well?" she asked ruffling my hair. It was already beyond messed up so she couldn't really make it worse.

"Yeah, slept fine" I mumbled, "is there cereal left?" I wasn't really in the mood for conversation this morning. I had things to do and I didn't really want my mom asking too many questions.

"How was movie night with your friends last night?" she looked at me expectantly. I'm sure she was happy that I finally had a couple of people over, even if it was Alice's idea.

"It was fine mom" I grumbled, "we watched a movie. That's about all there is to say about it" I poured the cereal and milk in the bowl and put the milk back in the fridge. I think she got the hint that I wasn't feeling talkative because she dropped it.

"What are you up to today sweetie?" mom was curious. What was I going to tell her? _Well mom, I'm going to watch gay porn to see if I want to fuck guys or girls. Ha! Yeah, right. _

"I've got a lot of homework today so I'll be up in my room most of the day" I was already walking back up the stairs.

"Edward it's such a nice day outside, you're doing homework first thing on Saturday?" she asked surprised.

"Uh, yeah, you know we have test next week so I want to make sure I have all of it down. I'll go outside later…or tomorrow.'' I hoped she would leave it alone; I didn't wait for a response I just walked into my room and shut the door.

I finished my cereal in a hurry and the bathroom was finally free so I decided to take a quick shower. I half considered jerking off but decided against it. I would be watching porn to see what turned me on; I probably shouldn't mess with the experiment.

After my shower I closed the bedroom door, making sure to lock it. _Can't take any chances of mom or Alice walking in._ Dad was at the hospital today and he never came into my room anyway so I wouldn't have him to worry about. I put my PJ pants back on with an undershirt. I settled into my computer chair and stared at my monitor. _Now, where do I start?_

I decided to start out simple. I Googled "porn" and got a million results. _Hmm_. I clicked the first link and saw a bunch of pictures of naked women in various positions. I cringed. _Eew_. _Is this supposed to be hot? _Maybe I need something a little more realistic. I tried another link and this one was a little better.

It had shots of men and women kissing and laying in bed together. Ok, this is better. I clicked on one of the images and a video loaded. _Here we go, the moment of truth. _The video started right into the action with the man taking off the girl's bra and panties. The guy was muscular but not overly. He had short brown hair and green eyes_. He's hot. Shit. Look at the girl. _ The girl was skinny with large breasts, typical attractive girl. She had long brown hair with blond streaks and a belly button ring. _I can see why someone would find her attractive. _My attention went back and forth between them, staying on the guy a bit longer each time.

He proceeded to go down on her._ Ick_. And she was moaning loudly. It didn't sound real to me, it was bit too much over-acting. He was going to town on her and playing with her nipples and she sounded like she was loving it. I found myself listening to his low muffled moans as he worked on her. I watched his back muscles ripple as he moved his arms up and down her body. I could feel myself getting hard._ Am I hard because of what they are doing or just because of the guy? Do I want to be him? Or be __with__ him?_

I needed further proof. I closed that video and went to the next one, this time with two girls. _This should be a good test._ The girls were both attractive, making out and touching each other all over. They were moaning and sighing and generally aroused. My dick didn't seem interested. It was still half hard from the last video but these girls weren't doing it for me. _Next._

The obvious next thing to look at was porn with two men. I gulped and Googled "gay porn" another million sites came up. I scrolled down the search page and clicked on a random link. The page opened up to thumbnails of muscular men with the dicks hard and fully exposed. My dick twitched. I rubbed my face with both hands and decided it was now or never.

I clicked one of the thumbnails and the video started right away. This time, it was two boys, they looked to be no older than 19 or 20. They were thin but had some definition in their abs and arms. I couldn't look away. The blond one was laying on the bed while the guy with dark hair worked his way up his body and undid his belt, pulling his shorts down. The one laying down raised his hips to allow his shorts to slide down his lanky frame. I gulped again.I was already hard._This experiment is not going my way. _

Maybe I should have stopped right then, but I was not about to leave before I saw where this was going. The dark haired boy started licking the blond's dick like lollipop._ Shit that's hot_. The blond was clearly enjoying it; he was moving his hips, trying to get the other boy to take him fully in his mouth. _Oh god. _ I was rock hard at this point; I palmed myself through my pajama pants.

Finally the dark haired boy started fully sucking the blond's dick. He was slurping and moaning and using his hands to tug on his balls. _Ugh_. I pushed down on my own dick with my palm to relieve some of the pressure. This went on for a while until the blond flipped them over and returned the favor. Y_eah, that's it, suck his dick_. I couldn't believe my own thoughts. I couldn't help it though.

"Come up here baby" the dark haired boy said and the blond worked his way up and kissed him on the lips, shoving his tongue down his throat. I was on the verge of exploding and I hadn't even really touched myself yet. The dark haired boy reached around behind the other and started playing with his ass. _Oh wow._ I shifted in my seat. He stuck a finger inside easily and moved it back and forth while the blond writhed and wiggled his ass for more. "I want you to fuck me now" the blond one moaned.

The blond quickly put a condom on his partner's dick and sat on him, sinking down in one swift motion. _Holy shit_. I wasn't able to think straight any longer. I shoved my pajama pants down to my knees and stated jerking my cock in time with the blonds bounces up and down. "Ugh, yeah, bounce your pretty ass on my cock, mmm, your ass feels so good" the dark haired boy grabbed the blond's hips and started thrusting up into him faster. My own hand sped up and I could feel the sweat forming at my temples. I couldn't take my eyes off of them.

"Oh yeah, fuck me harder. Harder!" the blond was clearly enjoying this. He didn't seem to be acting, he genuinely seemed turned on. His cock was rock hard and bouncing in front of him without him even touching it. The dark hair boy suddenly flipped them over so the blond was on his back with his legs wide open. He began thrusting fast and hard. He moved in and out of him repeatedly while grunting over and over. "Fuck baby, touch your dick" he panted.

The blond obeyed right away, his hands running down his chest and grabbing his own cock, giving it several long strokes before quickening his pace, to match the other boy.

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum. Ugh, yeah, fuck me" the blond yelled out and emptied his load all over his chest while the boy kept fucking him.

That was when I lost it. It snuck up on me and before I could control myself I came all over my own hand and shirt._ Fuck, I've never cum that hard in my life._ I was breathing hard and trying to get myself under control. Meanwhile the dark haired boy pulled out and pulled the condom off in one quick motion. He moved up the blonds body, straddling him and jerked himself off into the blonds waiting mouth. The blond licked him clean, all the while moaning and still touching his own cock_. Fuck!_

I closed the browser and sat back in my chair, still panting. Well, I think that settles it. I'm as gay as Elton John. There is no going back from this. The videos with the girls had no effect on me while watching two guys together made me cum all over myself within minutes._ I would definitely be looking for more of that. I guess I see what the guys were talking about now. _

The question is what am I going to do about it? High school is enough of a nightmare without coming out. I'm only in my halfway through sophomore year, I would have two more years to endure… am I ready to be in the spotlight? It's such a small town and I don't know anyone else as school that is gay, or out at least.

Am I going to tell Alice? Or my parents? I think they would accept me no matter what but I couldn't be sure. What about Jasper? Would he still want to be my friend or would be shun me? I doubt the football jocks would be cool with me and he's friends with them. And he's from Texas, aren't they all pretty conservative down there?

_Shit! what am I going to do? I put my head in my hands and felt like crying. This can't end well for me._

**Thanks for reading, let me know what you think. Should Edward come out right away?**

**Until Next week. **


	7. Chapter 6

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight...**

**now, on to the next chapter, let's see how Edward feels after all the 'research' shall we? **

I spent the rest of the weekend up in my room. I did some homework and spent some time tidying up but mostly I watched porn and jerked off. I think 15 years of sexual frustration was coming back to me full force and I needed to let it out.

I had finally discovered something that got me excited, got me rock hard within seconds. Now that I knew, I don't think I could ever go back to pretending and not acknowledging myself and my identity. More than once I pictured myself in those situations and I may have substituted a certain blond for one or two of the guys in the video too.

I had to find a way to break it to my parents soon, I didn't want to hide myself with them, but at school I was not so sure. I might be best off waiting until I finished high school to come out in public. Its not as if there is someone I want to be out and proud with anyway_. Is there?_ I really didn't think there was but then again, maybe some other guy at school was hiding too. It's a small town but chances are there is someone else.

Maybe I should start paying more attention to the boys at school. _What about Bella? _ Oh crap! What am I going to do about Bella? Should I keep seeing her? That would be cruel and I shouldn't lead her on. But I don't know how to explain kissing her on Friday and dumping her on Monday.

By Sunday night I was no closer to a resolution. I sat on my bed and sighed to myself. "What the fuck am I going to do?"

"About what?" Alice walked by my door just as I finished my thought out loud. "What are you going to do about what?" _shit, what do I tell her?_

"Nothing Alice, just a project I'm working on that has me stuck, I'll figure it out…so, what are you up to?"

She didn't really seem to buy it. "Come on Edward, you've been holed up in your room all weekend, what gives?" she pressed on.

"Seriously Alice, just busy with schoolwork, tests coming up, you know" I pleaded silently that she'd let it go.

She looked at me appraisingly "ugh, fine Edward but if you need to talk you know where to find me, I'm always here for you, you know that right?" I nodded and she smiled and left me alone.

Dinner was a quiet affair, mom and dad were at the neighbors so Alice and I ate in front of the TV and I excused myself up to my room right after we were finished. I was actually pretty tired. All this thinking about my sexuality and who to tell and when had worn me out. _Not to mention jerking off like 10 times in two days. _Maybe I should go easy on myself this next week or my dicks going to be bruised. I laughed to myself.

I got ready for bed and turned out the lights as I snuggled under my blankets. Sleep came easy that night even with everything on my mind, I really was tired.

Monday at school I was looking forward to seeing Jasper, albeit a little embarrassed after jerking off to thoughts of him a few times over the weekend. I couldn't really help it thought. He had implanted himself in my brain and I couldn't really get him out now. He was hot and confident and so nice. Not to mention his lips and his eyes and his hair…ugh, now I'm hard in math class, just what I needed.

I adjusted myself in my seat just as jasper took his next to me. He turned to me and gave me a sideways smile that made me blush. I Thought I saw his eyes dart to my crotch before quickly looking away.

"Hey Edward, Friday night was fun, how was the rest of your weekend?" He looked at me expectantly.

"It was good man, didn't really do much, I had a lot of homework" I chuckled and he nodded. "yeah, me too, I tried to get out and see the town a bit but didn't get around to it…uh…maybe you could show me around sometime?" he asked, looking a little sheepish.

I was a little stunned by his request "um…" I just stared at him and for a second I didn't know what to say. I mean, sure, I wanted to spend more time with him, that was actually part of my plan to get him out of my system, but that was before I knew I was gay. Now, I probably shouldn't be around him too much, or I would get attached and since I know he's straight, I'd get hurt.

I must have been silent too long because he interrupted my thoughts "Hey man, don't worry about it, I was just.." he started but I cut him off "no Jasper, I'm sorry I was just surprised that you asked me that's all. I mean, can't one of the football jocks show you?"

His face fell a little and I felt terrible. "uh, sure Ed I just thought since we were friends you wouldn't mind, but I can see that you do so please don't worry about it ok?" he turned back to the front of the class before I could answer and Mar Hall started class._ Shit, now he's pissed at me again, why can't I do anything right?_

As soon as the bell rang he sprang up to leave but I grabbed his arm to stop him. He looked down at where my hand held him and then looked back into my eyes. "Edward? What do you want?" he sounded annoyed and a little put out that I would stop him.

"Uh, just wanted to apologize man, I really don't mind showing you around. In fact I'd like to, how about after school today?" He looked skeptical but shrugged "fine but I really don't want you to do this if you don't want to" I nodded and said that I did and I'd see him at lunch. With that we went our separate ways.

I successfully avoided Bella until lunch, but I couldn't get away from her there. She was glued to my side for the entire time, touching my arm, looking at me like I was the only person on the planet. _Ugh, this is going to be painful. I need to end things with her before this goes any further. _

I decided not to wait, it was only going to get harder the longer I drag this out "uh, Bella, can I talk to you for a sec, alone?"

"sure Edward, why don't we go for a walk?" she looked hopefull. _Maybe she thought I wanted to find a place to makeout or something. _

We excused ourselves from the table. Jasper was looking at me with a curious expression on his face and Alice was looking at Jasper with a similar look on hers. _I wonder if she knows_

"so what did you want to talk about?" Bella pulled me into a dark corner of the hallway and pinned me against the wall. "do you want to talk or should we just have a little fun before lunch is over?" she winked at me and looked up through her lashes in what I'm sure she thought was a sexy glance.

I was really uncomfortable. It's not easy to think when someone is trying to stick their tongue down your throat. "um…shit…look Bella, this is not easy for me to say so I'm just going to say it….Idon'tthinkwe shouldseeeachotheranymore." I rushed out in one breath.

"what?" she screamed "what do you mean? You only just asked me out last week?! How can you have already changed your mind?" she was not taking this well.

"well, I think you're great, really but I'm not really ready for a relationship, I want to focus on my school work." _Yeah, like anyone would buy that load of crap. Maybe I should just be honest with her. I think I can trust her. _

"Actually Bella, here's the thing. I've been thinking a lot lately and I just don't think you're….my type…if you know what I mean?" she looked at me confused.

"No Edward, I don't know what you mean! How can you say that, you haven't even given this a week!"

She wasn't catching my drift, I guess I need to spell this out for her. "Bella, it's not you, it's just, how do I put this…I'm…gay" I whispered the last word so she barely heard me.

"You're WHAT!?" She covered her mouth with her hands immediately after screaming. "Oh my GOD, really?!" I nodded and looked down at my feet.

"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to lead you on, I wasn't sure until this weekend myself, I…" I was cut off by her throwing herself at me in a big hug and laughing hysterically.

"oh wow Edward, that is the best news I've heard all day, I really thought there was something wrong with me. I mean, all these years and you have never shown any interest in me, I was really starting to worry" she was laughing so hard I could barely understand her.

I let out the breath I was holding "so you're not mad at me?"

Of course not, how could I be mad, I've always wanted a gay best friend!" she threw her arms around me just as the bell rang and people started coming out of the lunch room.

I saw Jasper and Alice look our way, they were definitely curious about what was going on. "Look Bella, no one else knows yet, can you please keep this between us for now? I need to tell Alice and my parents and I don't want them finding out from anyone else" I looked at her pleadingly.

She looked at Jasper then back at me and winked "Don't worry, my lips are sealed" she surprised me with a big hug and peck on the cheek and skipped away to class "Edward just dumped me" she giggled again and waved at Jasper in passing.

He was more confused than ever. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows and I just shrugged back and walked to my next class.

We had decided to meet up outside of school at the end of the day for me to show Jasper around town for a couple of hours. By the time 3:30 rolled around I was a mess. I didn't know how I would spend so much time alone with him without giving myself away.

I didn't mind if he found out I was gay, he seemed tolerant. I just couldn't have him thinking I liked him in any way other than as friends. It was easier if I didn't let him know my orientation, since a lot of guys automatically think you like them just because you're gay. Even if it's true in this case, I didn't want to put yet another strain on our already fragile friendship.

I decided to play it cool and act as if I had no interest in hanging out with him, that way there would be no chance of my true feelings showing themselves. I would just show him around like a tour guide, nothing more.

I was waiting in the parking lot when he strolled up next to me and most of those thoughts went out the window. How the hell am I supposed to pretend I don't want to spend time with him when I can barely keep my eyes off him when he's around? _Shit! What have I gotten myself into? _

"You ready Edward? Are you sure you still want to do this?" he sounded as though he was a neusence and I couldn't have him thinking that way.

"Yes! I still want to do this, I'm sorry about earlier. I really want to, so come on." I started walking quickly out of the school and he followed. "Where are we going?" he asked as he caught up to me.

"Hmmm, well, I was thinking we could hit up Jack's diner for a little afternoon snack first. It's a pretty popular hangout for the locals, how does that sound?"

His smile was a mile wide as he looked at me. "Sounds perfect, let's do it"

_Let's do it indeed. Ugh, get your mind out of the gutter Edward. He's straight and he likes your sister, you need to stop thinking about him like this. _

"Maybe afterward we can hit up the arcade at the mall and I can kick your ass at basketball" I laughed and he nudged me with his elbow. "We'll see Edward, I'm pretty awesome" he winked at me and my heart skipped a beat.

_Yeah, this is going to be a long couple of hours…_

**Review please. Until next time. **


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